I had a conversation with someone near and dear to me about a man she’s dating. They’ve been back and forth for years. They’ve been through all kinds of ups and downs, even to the extinct of violence. They have no children together but there is a child involved. From the outside looking in the relationship seems toxic but it’s not my life to live.
The two of them have broken up but now he wants her back. Because I have been in a similar situation I had to ask her, “If you take love out of the equation would you still want to be with him?”. I ask this question because I remember having to answer it for myself. Women maybe even some men tend to feel like they can’t let go of a bad relationship because of the love they feel. To that I say, “what does love have to do with it?” Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that person is good for you. Love yourself more. Love yourself enough to want the best for you. Someone who will promote you growth and advancement and bring happiness to your life.
It’s always hard to start something new so we stick with what we know. You know this persons good and bad so you say to yourself, “I know what to expect from this one, if I go find someone new I have to start all over and who knows what new mess I’ll have to deal with.” After the first question is answered my next question to her was, “do you want to be with him out of habit or because he is truly good for you?”.
Yes change is different and can be scary but are YOU worth the risk? You sit back and say you want someone better and know that you deserve better but how will you ever get better when your door is blocked by that rotten board. Fight for YOU! Love YOU enough to take the risk of finding what you really deserve. After all no one will love you more or better than you can. When you begin truly loving yourself you will settle for nothing less and those you encounter will love you right. Remember we teach people how to treat us.
Lady J's Voice 
>I think we must really define individually what "bad" means to us. I say that because we don't want to get into the habit of thinking that just because some one disappoints us that they are a bad choice. However, I don't think physical violence is good for anyone. People really need to evaluate how they love and the sacrifices it calls for. By reading "the 5 five love languages" I am learning that love, true love begins AFTER the good feelings of being IN love has faded. It's at this point people give up. It's easy to be spectators and consider someone elses relationship toxic but it's up to the two people involved to decide if theres any potential in furthering their relationship. Some things may start off bad but doesn't necessarily mean they stay that way. People grow older and mature and old behaviors/ways of thinking begin to change. Takes patience and the ability to be able to nurture your relationship into good health. However, if no one is willing to, and there is absolutely no changes made and no potential…by all means why hold urself back? It's easy to walk away from things but it takes sacrifice, true discipline and lots of understanding to make it work. Not to mention your willingness to take a risk.
>You're exactly right but as for the toxic statement. Toxic simply means harmful or deadly. Any situation involving physical violence or abuse is simply that, harmful and possibly deadly, hense toxic. Now weather the relationship is worth salvaging is completely up to the individuals involved because only they know the inner workings and details.
>Yea toxicity is tricky. A long with domestic violence…we tend just look at it in a physical sense. I know I do, but a sister of mine pointed out that even verbal, emotional, and mental abuse can be toxic. I had a conversation with a lady who runs a non for profit organization for abused women who stated not only do we miss all the signs but the family n friends, on the outside, also need to know how to respond to the situation.
>That's very true. I touched on that subject in an earlier post found under the label "Abuse".
>I must say determining what is love or not is not just up to those involved in a "toxic" relationship, but could be used as an example to others. A thing is what it is regardless to what labels we choose to place on it, i.e., a chair is a chair. You can call it a microwave if you want to, but it's still a chair. I work in an environment where I see the end result of people not wanting to let go of a consistently increasing bad situation. Love or not, that ride in the police car is a sign that your relationship should be over!!! I do believe people stay together out of habit, and not love. Love won't let you treat someone bad!!! Not true Love. If you are bringing out the worst in someone or vice versa, that is not a good relationship!!! NO,… it's NOT!!! From the outside looking in or not!!!