What Comes First: Regular Sex Or A Husband Who Acts Right

Article written by for BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com

Now before you head straight to the comments section to each give me a “You tell ‘em, girl!” or a “Women be tripping,” hear me out for a minute.

I’ve noticed that when our sex life is purring, our house is cleaner. We divide much more of the housework evenly. My husband kicks me out of the house so I can have “me time.” I’m less frustrated and stressed. We don’t bicker as much. In short, when our bedroom activities are on point, so is our marriage.

But see, it’s a Catch-22. Because in order for me to really feel like my best sexual self, I need to feel good about our marriage and my husband’s appreciation of my role in it. I need to see him loading the dishwasher or asking me if I need anything before he heads to the store. I need him to give me a back massage just ’cause, not with the intention of getting me in the mood. In short, I need our marriage to be on point so our bedroom activities can be on point.

So I ask – what comes first: regular sex or a husband who is tuned into my needs? Is he tuned into my needs because HIS needs are getting met? Even though I don’t think physical touch is one of my main love languages…maybe it really is? We’ve all heard that men can be turned on by the sight of anything, whereas women need to be in the mood for a lil’ loving before a lil’ loving can happen.

As I approach five years in this marriage, I’m amazed by all the lessons I’m learning about how to keep our twosome tight. And by far, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that if we’re cranky and pissy with each other, it’s probably because we haven’t been having enough sex. There’s something about physical connectedness that gives our relationship a boost. If we’ve gone a week without cuddling in bed, without holding hands as we drive somewhere, without giving each other a hug after work, then it shows in how we treat each other.  So we have to build in those opportunities for touching in all our interactions if we want to keep the peace and continue to grow with each other.

Readers, what do you think comes first – a great sex life or a loving marriage? Do you think its possible to have one without the other?



  1. “Sex is a mentality before an act”!!!! Hitting the bedroom only packs a punch when both parties are willing to fight for the passion. Passion start with their ability to understand each-other’s desires, so they can truly desire each-other.

  2. I have the opposite problem. My partner constantly witholds sex form me to ‘punish’ me when he is angry with me, often choosing to sleep in another bed (in the spare room) until the issue is sorted out. This can take days or even weeks and I always feel miserable. I feel that he just uses sex as ‘control’ and it makes me feel terrible. It’s not that I am sex crazed – it’s just that when he denies me this it makes me feel unloved, unwanted and miserable. He is also refusing to kiss me lately – because he no longer feels ‘close’ to me. We have only been dating for 2 years. No kids!

    • I appreciate you commenting and I’m sorry you have to feel that pain. I personally don’t agree with using sex as a control mechanism. Communicating with words has always seemed to be more beneficial. Have you tried talking to him to see why he’s no longer feeling close to you? Have there been any changes in your behavior toward him?

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