The Message Is In The Words…..

I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying “Action speaks louder than words” and in most cases it’s true. However, there are many times when what is said needs to be held in high regard. I’ve seen the damage that can be caused by ignoring what we’ve heard. I have a close male friend (purely platonic) that hasn’t been looking for anything serious. He is a very good guy however he just isn’t looking to pursue anything serious just yet. He often shares stories with me about the women he dates. It usually ends badly with the woman falling hard and him not being willing to catch her. My first question to him is usually “didn’t you tell her upfront that you weren’t looking for anything serious.” He usually explains that the conversation was had in the beginning but it usually doesn’t stop the woman from wanting more. Herein lays the problem. It’s very hard for a woman to accept the “I’m not looking for anything serious” line from an otherwise “good guy”. The reason is simple even if this man isn’t interested in a future with this woman he is likely still going to treat her well, after all that’s what good guys do. It is engrained in us over and over that actions speak louder, so these women are thinking to themselves,” he wouldn’t call if he didn’t really like me” or “he wouldn’t spend time with me if he didn’t want to be with me”. It’s very likely that this man does genuinely like you… as a friend and as a friend why wouldn’t he call or hang out with you. I’ve been that emotionally unavailable person which is why I can understand the other side. I’ve causally dated guys and was up front that I’m not interested in a relationship. Even after saying that it never stopped that dreaded day from coming when they would want more than I was willing to give. It wasn’t because they weren’t my type, I just simply wasn’t in a space in my life where I wanted anything serious. I can see how my actions may have said differently. I mean I’m a thoughtful person by nature so yes I may bring him soup when he’s sick or shoot him a good morning text each morning. That doesn’t mean I’m in love it just means I like you enough to treat you how I would any other person in my life. Now is it fair to that person who gets their heart broken, probably not, but this is the reality. I can admit that I may have given mix messages but I’m human! I may not want the commitment of the relationship but I still value companionship and all that lovey dovey stuff but I want it on my terms. This typically holds true for men. They don’t want the constant attachment but they do want that occasional intimacy. Again I’m not saying it’s fair but its reality. As women we have to assess the situation with clear eyes AND ears. If a man tells you he’s not looking for a mate and you know you are, do yourself a favor and move on. Don’t sale yourself short waiting for him to be ready for something more because more than likely when that time comes he probably won’t choose you anyway. Think about it this way… If a man sees you giving him 100% and he’s only giving you 20% he’s going to question how much you value your worth. So like a wise woman once said “When a person TELLS you who they are.. Believe them. I love you for reading.

Post by Share My Sonshine

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2 comments

  1. Hello lady J,

    I came across this blog from man and wife, you posted a comment after mine, regarding the same issue above… Maya.

    I Totally agree with what you said above. Actions do speak louder than words but then sometimes specially when it comes to MEN, what is said speaks louder than actions since men act more physically rather than mentally, right? it is their nature.

    That being said, I thought I’d share my story, which is the same thing as mentioned, only with a twist.

    A while back, I met this really sweet guy, and we clicked right away. Before I knew it, we ended up in bed together and the chemistry was nothing like I had ever experienced. We both made it very clear to each other that we were not looking for anything serious and not looking to get attached, that did not mean we did not like each other, we both enjoyed spending time with each other, and like you said, he was nice enough to call me and talk to me over the phone, ask how I was and so on…. just being nice as he was a sweet guy.

    Few weeks past by, and one morning I got an email from him, saying that he feels we are not JUST enjoying each other anymore and even though I say I am not looking for anything serious, he feels that I do and so on. Well I didn’t, I truly did not want a boyfriend. It did make me a little sad since OI did like spending time with him, but of course since he was truly wrong, it did not bother me much, I replied back very calmly stating that he is wrong but since he feels we do not enjoy each other anymore, we should for sure stop.

    you would think it stops right therem but it does not. a few weeks go by, we did txt each other every once in a while, just asking how the other one is doing and such, but then he started calling me and texting me and more, and i figured he has realized he was wrong, and before we knew it we were back to basics.

    This time was different, i started having feelings….. and we did not just spend time in bed, we went to parties together, dinners, hung out with other couples, called each other baby, and it got SERIOUSE. this time I did not mind. and without even talking about it, it has been months that we are in a committed, most fun, most loving relationship……..

    I guess my point is….. Do not hang around waiting for it to happen. if it is stated that relationship is not wanted, TAKE it. I cannot explain why he came back to me and why I fell for him AFTER that, but I tool his words, and I did not HOPE for this to happen. Circumstances could be different, like mine turned out to be, BUT BUT BUT, it was said, relationship was snot wanted AT THAT time, and it was not given to either sides. You mentioned if a woman gives 100% and the guy only 20%, or the other way around, I guess one can not respect the other, Maybe he came back because I did have respect and value for myself, and I stayed away, and I acted on my words and respected his… maybe that worked for him, does not mean works for everyone, but always respect yourself, and have value for yourself, and others will value and respect you…. right?

    • You are so right about valuing yourself. It’s good you held him to his words and that could have been the deciding factor for him. I’m glad things worked out for you.

      I appreciate you checking out my blog and commenting. Thanks! 😉

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